They say marriage is hard, and they say the number one reason people divorce is over money. When you’re planning your wedding you think to yourself “money would never break up my marriage because I love them for who they are, not what they make.” But…what happens when they are in their 30’s and have proven over and over again that they can’t be trusted with money, and have no job security?
I didn’t go to college and always knew I’d work jobs that require no real degree and he knew this from day 1. He sold me on dreams of having a college background and degree in trade school. He sold me on dreams of a man of ambition with goals. Almost a decade later with a child and a marriage I am just now realizing that it was all a mirage. I love his personality, I love his mindset, I love his appearance, I love how caring and kind he is, I love what an adoring, responsible parent he is, I love how he treats me…I love him. But can we live on love alone?
Almost a decade ago while dating he knew from the start what kind of jobs I’d be able to get, how much I made and could ever make, and how hard I was able to work until I had children. He agreed with every part of me, accepted me for my past,present and future goals. We agreed with all aspects of what kind of life we wanted to lead, including parenting decisions. We both said that whenever I were to get pregnant I’d continue to work until he or she were to be born, then I’d stay home to raise our children, keep up the house, and keep everyone well-fed, on schedule and tidy as he went on to work outside the home. And when the children were in school at 4 years of age where I’d work part-time if I chooe, so I’d always be available to tend to the children (IE. Be there to pick them up from school, be able to attend all PTA meetings and recitals, be at every soccer game etc.) This has nothing to do with “what a women’s/ mans place is”, but to do with the fact that we both love children and always felt that at least one parent should be home to raise our children ourselves instead of focusing on babysitters and daycare. We both had parents who missed out on important milestones in our childhood because of their jobs outside the home and we felt like a more traditional route was best for us.
Everything was working well until this year where my child is now in 1st grade and my husband lost his job. He had finally obtained this well-paid real career a few years ago as before this career he was bouncing around from job to job trying to find himself. This career was also finally his first real job in which he trained for in college. I would always support him while also staying on top of him when I saw him slipping by making sure he remembered how unlike his other jobs this career was important. He worked for a great company, which paid him well, was very family-oriented with extreme flexibility. But as he’s getting older, he’s gotten more and more lazy and his laziness made it to his job. I only know this from reading a few of his work emails through out the few years he worked there, and closer towards his termination he was getting reprimanded for the simplest things. (IE. He needed to upgrade a software program on his laptop for work and he was given 3 months to do so and didn’t do it until his boss reminded him for the 3rd time.) I was very straight forward with him and let him know I read the e-mail and asked him why he hasn’t done a simple software update especially while he was in the running for a promotion. His simple answer “I don’t know, I honestly was to lazy to do it…I’ve always been this way when it comes to certain things and I promise to change.” He had NO excuse to be so lazy by the way, he was in no way overworked. It was a Mon-Fri 8am-5pm job in which he got to work at his own pace, like any other job there were days where he’d come home a little more tired than others but that’s life…in no way was the job super stressful at all.
(By the way he wasn’t mad at all that I read the e-mail, he has a separate e-mail for his work and we aren’t worried about privacy when it comes to things like that, we have nothing to hide in our relationship.)
Any-who that wasn’t the only time I’ve noticed things like that when it came to his job but he’s a grown man and I just stayed out of it. The day he told me he was let go he said that his boss had a few complaints piling up about him and they don’t think he is working out at the company anymore. When I questioned him about the complaints his said “I wouldn’t fill in every order down to the ‘t’ .. and other b.s. like that, I mean no one else does this stuff all the way through even the people who trained me.” My response was ” I don’t care what anyone else did or didn’t do, you should’ve just done your job.” I didn’t say it in an angry way just in a more disappointed way.
It’s been 3 months since he’s been fired and he’s more unmotivated than ever. I understand that he is partially depressed and I’ve been ultra supportive but how much more can I take. He was supporting us and our child, as I am a part time receptionist. Even if I became full time I couldn’t pay all of our bills by myself. We lost our apartment and have had to move back into an apartment that our in-laws own and that wasn’t easy.
No matter how many times I speak with him, argue with him, tell him lovingly or tell him sternly he isn’t doing much to look for a new job. Well, the only job he seems to be interested in, is an easy one. The job has no job security, no benefits..health or otherwise, and it’s on commission.. all the qualities of a job for a single student or person not one of a man who has a family to support. There are other jobs opportunities out there better suited for him but as with everything in life (I’m noticing) he’d rather take the easier route.
We’ve been together for almost a decade, but only officially married for going on 2 years with a 6 year old child. I love him with every ounce of my heart and we have been through A LOT, and when I say a lot I mean a lot. We’ve been through job gains and losses before, we’ve been through loss of a child and birth of a child, loss of family members including parents, family drama, friend losses and gains, and no fight has ever been between us. We’ve always said “it’s us against the world”, because we seem to have the worst luck but our love only grew stronger and so did our bond. I never in life thought I’d be questioning my relationship, but I don’t know how much is too much?
Over this past decade as I said we’ve been through a lot but because I guess we were so young and so busy I never really noticed his major fault of lack of motivation and major laziness. His instability with jobs never mattered until now. I feel like his didn’t just lose a job this time, but a major career…this was supposed to be it! A real career, as a real adult, where he’d work his way up and this would be for life. But to hear he lost it all because of his own laziness with the simplest tasks has me asking that question. I am a year shy of 30 years old, with one child. Still in my 20’s with a young child I feel, if I am going to “get out of this” I would need to do so now, and not when I’m “stuck” like both of our mothers felt when I’m 55, with a mortgage, few kids, and too old to get with anyone else if I would need to.
As I said before I never thought this way in a million years that I’d ever think of leaving the man I call my soulmate, let alone for reasons of money. But it goes beyond money, it’s not really about the money but I know you can’t change a person. If he as he says was always like this, and isn’t willing to change maybe a wake up call of me leaving is what will finally motivate him to take life more seriously.
His job is only one place that his laziness takes control, he only does things when “told” and I don’t like to be that way. I always told myself I wouldn’t be a “nag of a wife”. I only have one child but feel like I have two. He won’t help around the house unless asked to and even then he does it on his terms if he “just doesn’t feel like it” at the time, and during those times I have to yell, then he drags his feet to do it. He’s even so lazy with his own health, I just found out he’s about to lose a tooth due to gum decay (he has a beautiful white smile, but his big lips hide his gum line so while his teeth are white he has gingivitis and gum recession.) But he’s too lazy to make a dentist appointment unless I call and make the appointment for him. His apartment was full of dirty laundry until we dated as he’d live in a mess if it wasn’t for me cleaning up for him and not because he just waits for someone else to do it, but he just literally does not care and doesn’t see a problem with dirty clothes on the floor rather than in the hamper, or cleaning up refrigerator spills before they get hard etc.
He sold me on dreams of being a man who’d work two jobs if he had to, to support his family but when this job would offer him paid time-and-a-half overtime, he’d roll his eyes and drag his feet to go into the office on a weekend day (and this was Optional that’s how good the job was, it was in no way mandatory just a good way to make a few extra bucks which he signed up for and even then he was in no way motivated to do so.)You’d think he’d be fat and disgusting with how lazy he could be, but no …fortunately he is an extremely good looking man with a fast metabolism.
What’s scary is that his laziness started to rub off on me. I used to be a fun loving girl who could never stay home, loved to keep myself up. But slowly turned into this woman who is okay with getting the bare minimum done and would rather lay in bed with him and my child just to spend time together, and I hate that. I didn’t even realize it was happening until I noticed that we’d go two days without showering on the weekend because he’d be to lazy to which in turn made me to lazy to and that’s when I said that’s it, especially when I started to show up to work with just a bun in my hair and sad look on my face.
He doesn’t seem to want to help himself in any way..personal hygiene, doctors visits, house cleaning, relationships outside of us and his immediate family, getting anything done on time etc. The only time he actually gets something done is when it interests him like his love of automotives and gaming. He could spend hours online looking up new ways to fix his car or a game cheat, or playing the video game or fixing his car. Don’t get me wrong he will do anything and everything for me, our child, and our parents if need be. But the only thing he motivates himself to do without being asked to do are those two things. Which makes me mad because it proves that he can get things done without being told to or drag his feet while doing. (By the way his job had to do with automotives so yes he was even working in an area in which he studied for in school, and loved …therefore there was no excuse to be so lazy at work.)
I’m starting to consider separating from him, living with my mother and going back to school to get a better job while co-parenting equally. Now you say why not just stay with him and go to school. Well, because as I said his laziness can be very toxic. I love him to death so when I want to do something more structured on the weekend he’ll say come here and watch a movie and snuggle, so I do. I think in order for me to do better for myself and to light the last fire under his buns I’m going to have to leave. It will be the hardest thing I ever do, and I still don’t think I am able to do it but I’m scared for our child. Everything we do is for our child and I don’t want our child to grow up unmotivated or without a home since we don’t even have our own apartment anymore.
Until next time ~ SS